Ladies Camera Club

29 Dec 2014

Almost over

2014 has been - very much - a strange year in my existence. I guess, if I may be so blunt, it's been utterly chaotic with a huge splat of emotional fuckery.

I've lived week to week with my head fighting my heart.  And vice versa.
I've analysed, stripped back issues to the core, reassembled it all and I still can't make head nor tail of it.  And as I sit here, at 2.30am, I'm still wondering where the hell this year went or if I made the right choices?

Of course I have. 
And of course I haven't.

When you have a thought process that would give an expert developer a coronary, it's difficult to have an idea or query that doesn't grow arm and legs.  You think of if's or but's.  And's, or's, what-if's.  Pros, cons, maybe's, what about's, could-be's.  It's pretty tough having a head that over analyses.  It really is.

You want to be left alone and rescued in the same breath.  
You want space to be quiet and yet scream at the same time.  
You want to solve a problem that possibly might never exist.
You wanna sleep but carry out all your wants and desires in the process.  
You want a cuddle with no arms touching you. 
To hear something that isn't interpreted by the manner of that persons underlying intent.
To do a job without wondering was it enough, was everyone happy, could I have done it differently, what will be the consequences of my good intentions?

So 2015 will be fought with simplification.  And really.....that's it.
Mmmmmm, being straight to the point and shutting off after a deed is done is easier said than done but telling you how it's been and how the future could be is a step in the right direction.

Time to be bold.........

1 comment:

bettyann said...

Dear Kirsty I admire you for your ability to express your confusing emotions and thoughts. I am in turmoil after the death of Mom in November. It is very difficult to deal with suppressed feelings and emotions. May 2015 be a time of simplifying back to love and caring. your Canadian friend bettyann