Ladies Camera Club

17 Jun 2009

Special Delivery

If somebody could show you a small piece of heaven, they would send it in a kraft box and it would say "eat me"on it.

That is what happened yeterday.

And I photographed each stage (so you could savour it with me) before tucking into the little buggers! I have to admit I absolutely hate brownies. I always think they are too chewy and rich and gunky. But these ones? OH MY WORD! They are light and crispy sugary topped and flippin moreish. I am definitely going to be ordering from them in future. Thank you Dee xx
NB: Dee has been following me (and I her) on Twitter for a couple of months and we occasionally banter. She must have been touched by a recent blog post to have solicited this yummy gift. I am always taken aback when such wonderful gestures are delivered to our door truly.

When Ellie got back from School yest she came in armed with yet another certificate. Im liking all this reward, Ellie...carry on, you brilliant girl xx
Today is our 14th wedding anniversary. 14 years ago I had very long, brown (thus not fake blonde) hair pinned up with 68 kirby grips and it weighed a friggin ton. I was so frightened to tilt my head forward just in case the weight off it took my head clean from my neck! 14 years ago I clearly did not posses a pair of tweezers. 14 years ago I loved my dress which my Auntie made for me but when I look back now I think - UGH, wish I hadn't gone for the fluffy wuffster burgundy trim and 14 years ago my tummy concealed a beautiful creature who was pickling inside, waiting to greet me in 5 months afterwards.

This is the card I made for Mark. Its not exactly a Hallmark "mush fest" but that's my sense of humour. Im in love with Timmys Mustard Seed distress ink. Its so yellowy and bright! I also put the finishing touch of a quote on this tag I had been faffing with for the last few days. I love what clear embossing can do when combined with Timmy's inks. My tag collection is coming along nicely and my main reason for doing them is that hopefully the quotes will be a nice little ensemble for Ellie to take inspiration from when she is older.Made this layout for Studio Calico's blog today too. This week, Tina and I are blogging about leftovers - how to store and what you can make. I made this layout using minuscule and I mean very limited supplies. Its amazing what you can make with little bits and a punch! I love this layout, its clean and simple and its going in my album! Hooray!
Today was going ok until this. If you are sick of my recent ramblings about how sad I am ....dont read this next portion. I completely understand if you do. Im even get sick of it myself!

Today we collected belles wheelchair. A day I did not want to believe would happen even though she has been pushed in a stroller for years. A wheelchair just makes it more raw and real and pigeon holed. Its re-affirms to the world that she is disabled and that's when judgements are magnified. Ok, people stared at her in her buggy but they will be more indignant and judgemental and starey stink eye. I am NOT looking forward to those stares. I am ready for a fight towards anyone who does that and believe me, we have had them so many times in the past. We don't mind the looks of pity; that's sweet emotion in a way. But the jaws that drop and the elbowing to each other and the whispers behind cupped hands....they are UGLY to see. They instantly ignite the flames.

I have to say that Im completely devastated by the wheelchair thing and although she doesn't rely on it 100% of the time, she will come to rely on it as her scoliosis takes effect and her muscles weaken. I watched her in it tonight and her face was a picture of excitement and I was happy for her but inwardly I was dying. She maneuvered it so magnificently with a cheeky grin to tell us she felt confident. For her I am happy, for me though, I am soooooooo not. And what lit the blue touch paper was when my sister rang tonight . I think I just needed that magical moment to happen so I could just sob and sob and sob. You know the sobbing you do when you feel like you are going to die because you can't catch your breath? Where you can't speak because the sobs are so loud and completely uncontrollable. Oh god, I just broke my bloody heart. It sounds so damned selfish and I guess it is. I am crying for what should not be. And as my sister reminded me that I have to deal with it, that this is for life; I still and will probably never get to grips with it. Even if god himself shook me by the shoulders and told me, I'd never accept it.

Im not sure I am making myself understood about all of this but I think all of you with kiddies with those extra special needs will know EXACTLY what I mean. I guess this time next month this will all be old news and I will have moved on. But for now I am going to wallow in my right to a little self pity. It kind of feels good to wallow in it because you know that one day you will come out of it and feel refreshed and knowledgeable and appreciate how good that feeling from low to high is. I am looking forward to that day.

Quote for today:
For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
-- Author Unknown ......... I LOVE THIS QUOTE, I should abide by it ;)

Im not going to end on a low note. Im going to end up with a high as tomorrow I am going on a Sock Monster course courtesy of Crafts Beautiful which will get me away from my shell for a few hours to socialise with strangers who do not know me and that I can talk craft and not whats eating me. So yay to the sock monster course!


Houston said...

Sending love, lots and lots xx Houst

becky said...

sending loads of hugs your way...know that you all are always in my prayers -- i think ellie is my fave girl her age (and i work with those her age!!)...what sweet photos you shared today -- and CONGRATS ellie on yet another certificate! what a smart girl you have there!

Angela W said...

I can not even act like I know what you are going through. Just remember that you know what she is going through and has gone through. If others stop and stare, I know will be hard, but try to not pay attention to it. They dont understand. You just let her enjoy her chair and keep loving your precious girl! Love and Hugs!

bettyann said...

sending lots of hugs your have the right to your feelings..go and enjoy your sock monster and please please show us the pics xxxxxooooo

Rhonda said...

You have every right to your feelings. I wish I had some fantastic words to inspire you and take away your hurts.
Hugs coming your way.

Anonymous said...

stay calm and focused on what is right. I know you are upset but a chair is just that and if it helps the person within it you and millions of others see the person not the seat! The others opinions do not matter and there are many therefore who do not matter. They make assusmptions about many aspects of disability because they are ignorant of it and they are stupidly scared and embarrassed. They know nothing and they never will but boy oh boy they think they know it all and act like their lifes and their children and so on are so perfect, the cleverest, the best. They have no idea of your pain and your life so don't worry about them. Even those who you mix with have no idea and yet pretend to be supportive. They are also wondering what to say.

Mix with those who really know and find out how they cope too. That way you will find true and everlasting support with the situ you face as a parent of a child with some form of disability. The others to mix with are Ellies friends as they will be there for her......she is "normal" for her and it is the word which disables people esp those who are sheep in wolfs clothing.

Best wishes

Anonymous said...

A bittersweet and emotional day indeed. I think it's often harder on the carers and family for special needs children. Ellie is such a special girl and you do an incredible job giving her a life with so much pleasure and love dispite all the ups and downs. A mothers love knows no limits. Evan at 44 (me) my mum still worries terribly about me and is constantly looking for a miricle cure. It's what mums do, that special bond that makes them never give up, no matter what stands in their way.
On a lighter note, Well done Ellie on another cirtificate to add to the collection.
I don't normally like brownies either, especially the ones with lumps of chocolate in, but these ones are quite scrumptious so I hope you all enjoy them.

Luv and hugs
Dee P

Paul B said...

My heart goes out to you and sending a huge hug your way. Your blog is HONEST and it helps you in your journey with Ellie so don't feel bad about including your sad days. I imagine you have to have a dual personality to cope - strong and confident when you step outside your front door and interact with the world, vulnerable, frightened and heartbroken when you close the door and are on your own. Its Ying & Yang. You need both. Cry. laugh and everything in between. You have a lot of friends here who support you and follow you.

Enjoy your sock day :) P xxx

Deanne said...

nothing to say but hugs xx

Zarah said...

Love that photo of you - I think you looked beautiful then TOO. (And your eyebrows looks good to me. *smiles*)
Happy belated anniversary!!

I also wanted to drop by (it's been a long time since I did! I think I somehow lost you from my list when I transferred from a bugged up sage feeder to Google reader, actually but I am fixing that riiiight now) to say that your Studio Calico LO is one of the most amazing ones I've seen in a long time.

...and to round it off. I am constantly appalled by how narrow minded people are. A small frame can contain a heart bigger than any of theirs. They don't get that - but that's what matters. Your girl? She's one of the big hearted ones. You're in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Have followed your blog for quite some time, ups & downs. Only support I can offer is that Ellie LOVED the chair. It suits her needs & that is what is important right now.
It will become a fixture of her the more she depends/requires it.
Perhaps it's too soon to interact with other disabled children, parents/carers but once you do you will realise that you are not the worse off at all, really.

Having known people needing chairs on & off they do develop 'cool' skills in them so I am certain Ellie will do OK.

I recently went to a dance festival & THE BIGGEST CHEER of the night was given to a group of dancers, all disabled, varying capabilities, some in chairs who despite their challenges had a go & had FUN. I was in tears I loved it soon much.
People are ignorant, rude but often just uncertain of the right things to say/do.

This is Ellie, what you see is what you get & I see a beautiful girl with lush hair & ruby red lips.
If others don't see it then tuff but for all of you that do ....... enjoy.

Anonymous said...

Kirsty, whilst we can only imagine how you feel (though you are fantastic as relating to us all), you have a hell-ov-alot if cyber friends out here who are all sending big cyber hugs and cyber chocolate your way and thankning you for your openess, honesty and downright ability to make us laugh and cry with your daily (or hourly - god, who invented twitter?! Argh! I USED to have a life!) updates. Theres is one thing you don't mention enough, and that is how LUCKY Ellie is - to have parents like you and Mark.
(Especially liking the uniform!).

Big Hugs
Karen Rel xx

kelly said...

happy anniversay! how gorgeous you looked on your wedding piccie!!
well done to ellie! and i love your card for mark

Bettythebaglady said...

Dear Kirstie-Years ago I worked with several people with what are for want of some other words-disabilities. Some used wheel chairs. I've never forgotten Rob who did a sponsored push (he pushed his own wheels) across Britain from Blackpool to Scarborough or it could have been the other way.People are people and wheel chairs are just a means of getting about. Many people don't know what to say but give them a chance like Rob used to and they'll get to know the person-not the condition.
By the way he used to creep up behind me in our office and scare the hell out of me. He had polio as a child-his legs were withered away and he would ostentatiously cross them by lifting them himself and give you a hard challenging stare. He was never short of a glamorous woman and always on the pull.He ran away from Barnardos as a kid in his wheelchair and had once crashed his invalid carriage when he had one too many(not really to be advised but there you go). No there was never a dull moment with Rob around. Oh he also had a pet house duck and was part gipsy.It was many years ago but I smile all the time when I think of him Hugs BettyXXX

Bettythebaglady said...

Me again-when I say worked with I mean they did the same job I did Love Betty and congrats to Ellie for her awardXXX

Michelle La Grue said...

I try and dip in and out and read your blog, I love your honesty and your real approach to your ups and downs in life. you put in words what I often think, or often deal with as I have 2 girls with issues (both in my foster care, both suffering from their mother's drug addiction).

This is the life we have been given and the road for us both is steep and bumpy, but we keep pushing forwards as there is only one way to go. So take each day one monent at a time, and take the hands of your friends to help you on the day.

Regards - Michelle

D@nielle said...

happy anniversary sweetie ! And yes, I did read on as I always do and yes I totally get what you are saying, the wheelchair is more confronting than the stroller but I'm sure you & Ellie will make it work when she's in it as she is a strong and lovely girl ! You can share your rollercoaster any time, we're her to get your spirits up !

Julia Dunnit said...

Ellie's wheelchair will probably cause less comments than the buggy because it sort of is an 'official' aid, I know you used to get cross when people wondered why Ellie was still in a buggy. For every fibre of your being that wants Ellie to have the fit healthy body that you have, with every fibre of her being, Ellie is living her life, enjoying her life. She has no other physical state to compare it with, so for her, it's how she is. You are utterly right to vent, and totally, utterly wonderful not to let Ellie know how deep it goes for you - making her unhappy about her situation would lead to biterness, and that's just too bad a way to live. So there - you are doing the very best thing you can -loving her, teaching her to love life. Go girls!

beksynormz said...

I was exactly the same when my nephews got their wheels but to them it means that they can keep up with the other kids and get about so much more easily so you've just gotta try and see the positive angle. I know its hard but you'll get used to it. Beki x

Kerry said...

I'm sure nobody will begrudge you wallowing for as long as you need to. It is a parents right. The main thing is that she was excited by it.


Sue Ramsay said...

More ramblings from the madwoman in your email box !
Sue xx

Jenni said...

Your girl's personality radiates from her and will continue to do so no matter how she gets around this world. Sending love.
Jenni x

Tip Top said...

Fab certificate!

Nothing is ever The End - it always keeps going. Sometimes the chapters are a little difficult but the story and journey are always rich.

LizzieG said...

The others have pretty much said it all... just wanted to send hugs.

Sharon Speakman said...

Oh sweetie - sending you massive hugs and cuddles. Thinking of you and sending you positive vibes. Lots of love and caring thoughts, Sharon x x x

mommy2alex said...

Hi Kirsty! I've been reading your blog for over a year since I subscribed to Studio Calico and just love to hear your voice through your blog, love how you write!
I just want to reach across the waters and hug you! I am a mom to an autistic son and know the looks that they get that break our hearts. I cringe at the thought that one day, he will notice them too and what that will do to him. Ellie is just a beauty and she's so lucky to have a mommy who cares as much as you do!!
Anyhoo, just wanted you to know that I appreciate you writing so candidly about your feelings because you are not alone or selfish in anyway, you're just one of the few brave ones to tell us how you feel!! Thank you and keep trudging forward, we're here to listen, pray, cry and laugh with you!!!!

Sharon said...