Ladies Camera Club

19 Sep 2008

So we went to CWP

And we were camm'ed up, miked and carrying ammo on our back packs. I dug my fingers into brown grease paint and swooshed each cheek with a good dollop a piece. I then wrapped a bandana round my head and necked a shot of tequila - god, I looked hard. I almost crapped it when I saw my reflection in the mirror.
Mark and I got into our armoured vehicle (a Renault Modus to be precise) and whizzed into town in slo mo to the sound of painted black by the Rolling Stones. Mark reckoned the theme from MASH would have been more suited but suicide was not on my list of things to do, yet.
We entered the shopping centre and for a Thursday it was still and quiet. It was as if tumbleweed was meant to come rolling in our path to the age old whistle (ala the good, the bad and the ugly) played right on cue. For effect I had a cigarette hanging off my bottom lip and I winced my eyes as I surveyed the soon to be bomb shelled mall. I called on the mike for mark and I to synchronise our watches and that he should run in to the CPW on my call - our code word was : Knobbers
I figured if Mark came in at the rear (yeeeks) it would be all the back up I needed. He served 22 years in the army, he knows his stuff.
Ok, the plan was in place.
I just had to walk in there and talk as nicely and as calmly as possible. So I set off with Mark stood in the shop opposite watching my every move and waiting for my code. He was trying to rummage through La Senza underwear without making it look like he was on some perv drive (and failing miserably). I turned the corner and the bright lights of rip-off-dem blinded me and the smell of bull was certainly in the air. I approached the counter with caution and told Mr sloping-shoulders my sorry tale (for the millionth time). No signs of compassion or understanding was displayed and my finger was tapping on the imaginary trigger in my pocket. All the while I listened to him say that he couldn't do anything, it was up to his Area Manager and that he would try in the morning and he would call me back.
With those very words he had lit the blue touch paper and my head ignited into flames. I reached into my jacked to pull out my lipstick and told him that I wasn't afraid to use it on him. The look in his told me that he wasn't scared (hhhmm, transvestite are we?). I then threatened him with my mother but he didn't flinch. My last resort before "Plan B" was to offer him a bitch slap duel outside but he couldn't leave the counter as he was the only staff in.
Plan B.
I screamed into my collar KNOBBERS! GO! GO! GO!.
A trailblaze of shit hot lava (Mark) entered the shop. Where on earth he got the necklace of artillery shells from I don't know but I have to say he looked fierce. He pulled out one of his old mobile phones (circa 1999) and said
"You take that phone back or I will be forced to use this phone"
The sheer size of that vintage piece was as big as a breeze block with an antenna a mile long. It scared me let alone all of the customers in the shop. Whats more the look of horror on the CPW guy was enough to curdle milk but sadly, with his shoulders sloping further to the floor he really couldn't do anything about it. And as the feds bagged us up in strait jackets I had to admit defeat.

My only saving grace (so far) is that eventually I, myself, rang the shop tonight to check on the progress and James said that CPW would finally and lovingly - no, more than welcomingly take my phone back. I think the drama and the persistence wore off and Im happy to say that CPW have allowed me to stress in ramboness fashion to which they humbly gave in at my expense. I am of course very grateful that I have been able to provide entertainment for you, for the feds, for the mental hospital and for my mother who rang me up last night absolutely wetting herself over my blog entries. I myself need a bloody good spell in a padded sanctuary and hopefully they will confiscate my mobile phone because if I ever have to use one from this day foreword - I. Am. Going. To. Kill. Myself.


Juliet said...

Hilarious Kirsty - you should write a book! Seriously though, I'm glad you got it sorted. Juliet xx

Jo said...


Well done matey!! I'm dead proud of you!!

Lucy said...

Hilarious! Thanks for a cracking giggle, and glad you got it sorted after all that!!

cannycrafter said...

Ok! So I have finally wiped the tears from my eyes and have to say Toutankamon has nothing on that saga!!!! Lol! Thanks so much for the entertainment and pleased to see the customer IS always right!!! x
P.S. is Mark available to hire as a heavy should I ever require assistance????

Jozza said...

Thank God for that! Do you know that me, the kids and my husband have been sat here since last night in our night attire waiting for the next toilet food! (actually that is a tiny lie...but I have been checking back on here ALL DAY!).

So very glad you are sorted now and thanks for the giggle :o)

Bev said...

Damn girl - I can't see the keyboard froom cyring. Even my hubby is now an avid fan of yours. I am sooo glad they have backed down. I reckon it was the brick wot did it lol.

ps. Got your stottie today, so look out for the mad woman brandishing it whilst on patrol looking for you tomorrow.

Bev said...

See, I'm crying so hard I can't even spell from!!!

Darcy said...

Oh Kirsty, so glad you have it sorted, I feared the worst...not just the bloodbath, but that you would be defeated. It took me almost a month to exchange my orange phone at xmas.

You may indulge in some extra, weekendy type, cakey bakeyness for your efforts.

NancyJones said...

omg im laughing sooooo hard. Ok can I just say I used to work for a cell phone comapany. ussually all you have to do is scream FINE I WILL DEACTIVATE MY SERVICE AND TAKE IT ELSEWHERE and they turn flips to make you happy. hmmmm You did good. DO YOU DO SPECIAL MISSIONS? I have some things that need to be exchanged and my hubby is not near as tactical as it seems YALL are. SO. Im thinking yall could start like a private agency that gets things like this done for people... just a thought

weewiccababe said...

Yay Kirsty - we're not worthy!!

corinne5 said...

lololol so glad it turned out ok, ololololol.


Kath said...

Way to go "Killer" Wiseman....laughed till I cried.

Anonymous said...

OMG LMAO you are a nutter! A quicker way woyuld have been to show them your blog - NO ONE would fit with you then!


Anonymous said...

I meant fight! see, can't see the keyboard for laffing!
Karen Rel

Rosie (Freycob) said...

If I ever get a prob with CPW I'm just gonna mention your name. They'll be quaking at the sound not to mention the experience!!!

Glad they saw sense in the end. Respect! xx

olga9999 said...

I feel so guilty enjoying your adventures in The Cardphone Warehouse. LOL I was as the rest, awaiting your next entry in "Operation CPW". LOL
Anyway I'm really glad that you finally got everything OK.

Changing subjects and coming back to the vitamins issue I wrote in a previous comment. I live in Ireland, and I have been reading the The Times newspaper on Sundays for sometime. I now read it online, but thinking on vitamins issue helped me to remember some things that you might be interested in checking. They have a nice Health section on Sundays, and you can read the paper online The Times. They also have an interest in alternative therapies and have tons of resources in that regard. One website that came out in the newspaper is What really works.
It's a website created by a highly regarded alternative therapist in the UK, Susan Clark. She's talked several times about an alternative therapy Hospital, not sure whether it might by in Bristol or not, that offers its services free or for a cheap fee to special cases.
I know it might not be what you're looking for, but I'm really sure that if you contact Susan Clark through the website above she will provide you some guidance about your case and about Diet and Nutrition issues, as well as give you advice about the therapies covered by the NHS. Some alternative therapies in the UK are covered by the NHS, I'm not sure whether you know all this, so please forgive me if I'm just repeating things.

Even if you don't want to contact her, take a look at both the Health Section in the Times Online and the website above to know more about nutrition and advice about how best to use supplements and other nutritional advice. I write about this again as I read people talking about supplements and vitamins and they kind of believe that because they're vitamins you can liberally use them without problems, and in this issue as in any other one is best to get proper advice. But in any case I believe your original idea is terrific and a very good one.

Best wishes and thanks so much for the update in "Operation CPW". :)

amber jane said...

Kirsty I know I shouldn't laugh to much but seriously you made tea shoot out on my nose and the neighbours are concerned about my well being !! Good on you for going into battle and getting it sorted.

Est xxx said...

Omg girl you make me laugh

Natalie said...

Oh My God Kirsty - you are a riot! So so funny - I cried and then wet myself LOL!!!

Helen xx said...

Oh Kirsty in the nicest possible way.... "I think I love you" you are so funny my ribs are hurting! Glad your phone is sorted.

Good to catch a few mins with you today. Em eventually pulled me out of there!

Just realised I will miss your live show at 4.30 on 30th (darn those swimming lessons for Em!) but it will be recorded for immediate consumption upon my return to home! Good luck hun - not that you need it you will be fabaroonie.


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