In fact - ENOUGH FULL STOP.
As I have younger readers on this blog I wont use profanity to express my sheer disgust but I will lay my feelings down if its the last thing I do in my life. If I take my last breath tonight I know that I will have tried my best but it seems it just wasn't good enough.
For 11 solid years I have taken my dear girl to and fro from hospitals across the length and breadth of England. From tertiary to specialists hospitals and from community and outreach centres to minor and major clinics. Reckoning up, we have been to see a doctor about 140 times with regards to Ellies problems. I felt it my important duty to make sure that we had done our best so that when she spreads her teeny wings, she could do so independently, proudly and confidently. You know, get her sorted, secure the problem and seek a solution.
But today we were handed the hammer to beat our last coffin nail in the whole of our 11 years hard work when the doctor told me straight in the eye - what you see is what you get. The moment those words left his lips, my head began to spin. You know the kind of scenes in a film where someone is confused or just been delivered bad news. Well it really happened. Im not kidding. The blood rushed from my head to my heart to my fingers and toes. And whilst Mark was sat next to me, nodding his head in agreement - well, I just wanted to kill them both. And whilst it does not compute that the Doctor and Mark are actually right, I will remain defiant. My response to the Doctor was that I found it unacceptable to let Ellie continue to live her life with deformed feet, weight issues etc etc. I'm sure Ive bored you all to death with other little things that build the puzzle that is my daughter. Would YOU allow a child continue living a life with feet like this?
I am drowning in my own emotions. I think the whole situation is going to get me banged up in some form of rehab. So come on, why not beat me whilst I'm down. Who else wants to add their penny's worth? Smack blogs? Anyone? The time is ripe to strike. And then....whoa... get this...to add insult to injury - this heart problem of Ellie's that had been detected before Christmas (actually we have been suspicious of it since 2004) Oh yes! he heard it alright! For 4 years we have lived with an audible squeak from Ellies heart that no other Doctor had ever heard before. I mean, we went to query the problem but all the peads and even the two heart specialists couldn't "hear" it. And then Dr "what-you-see-is-what-you-get" hears it today and said he wouldn't push the issue just yet explaining that its just a pericardial rub. Is that acceptable/normal in 12 year old girl?
Venting this has made me feel so much better, if Im honest BUT this book is not closed yet.