I did a shoot this morning. The weather was its usual pigginess. On and off drizzle, so it was time for the studio lights until the drizzle stopped. These two kids were polar opposites in posing. Lil Tom told me who the boss was - oh yes! And sweet Hannah was totally and utterly relaxed. Their momma, Sonia is such a lovely woman who I could talk to so easily with. It made my morning an absolute pleasure - the calm before the storm if you will. And it helped mask my feelings of this week. I must thank Sonia for providing me with an entertaing Thomas, a demure Hannah and a fabulous woodland walk to take my mind off a couple of things.
As for stuff rising to the surface? Wait for this monster vent. Its a bit raw, shall we say.
I wont lie, its been a pig of a week emotionally. Scrub that word pig and replace it with bitch, if I may be so bold.
I can't sit here and write in my blog about all the bright and shiny side to my life because that would be fake, right? So Im going to share something that's hurting me a lot. And I mean hurting so much that I actually feel like Im dying.
No drama, just raw spillage.
Monday morning was a pig indeed. I had found out on Sunday that belle finished school this Friday and not next Friday. As Belle has a short term memory issue, she forgets to tell me what the teachers ask her to tell me. Ive approached the teachers over the years to ask if they would give ellie a note or to extra remind her of things of importance. But the last time I asked a teacher to do this she said that she wasn't prepared to do it and that she tells all the children at the same time and its up to them to remember. I kid you not, those were her very words. They simply haven't, after 4 years at that school, identified that Ellie has these special issues. A doctor has clarified she has a two year development delay and yet the school continue as normal. Because Belle doesn't have a diagnosis, she is child X with syndrome X. Syndrome X is a shit excuse for ignorance. I also found out that belle was going on a bowling and limousine trip only on Friday evening too, instead of last week as per letter from school which I didn't get. I really didn't know anything about it. I felt stupid when Glens momma asked me what belle was wearing for the event. I just didn't know anything but luckily she was allowed to still go. The letter for that trip went out last week but Belle was at Occ Therapy the afternoon the notice went out. Nobody reminded her or indeed gave her the form.
I bite my lip, I really do. Im not a ranting momma, Im a hurting momma.
So tonight belle goes to the bowling and limousine event. I hear that some of the boys were wearing Tux's this morning. We thought it was "just for fun". What I didn't realise was that it was proper prom dress up until late this afternoon. But dressing up is something Belle cannot fully appreciate as she cant wear pretty grown up party shoes. Her feet are deformed and she is 11 years old with size 10 feet. "T bar" shoes ain't so good on a 11 year old. And its no fun wearing boots or trainers with a strappy dress that they dont make for 7 year olds (her size). So I put her in a nice little outfit. Capri white jeans and a smart denim dress but with pretty trainers instead of her scruffy boots. And we turn up at school and all of her peers look 16 years old and amazing. They truly looked fantastic. All with up do's, make up and beautiful outfits.
I dont want you to think Im feeling sorry for myself here, because that's not what its all about.
Its about fitting in. Inclusion. Peer Pressure.
I look at Belle in her casual but smart appearance and look at her class mates and metamorpically raise my hands to heaven and say to him "what are you doing to me?". Belle doesn't hang around for pictures, obviously and its raining pretty bad. She heads off indoors and takes a seat waiting for the limo. I remain calm but inside I am dying so hard. My bottom lip starts to tremor and I really bite it hard to stop it. Im surrounded by people who really haven't got a clue about Belles issues. I worry that they think I couldn't be bothered dressing her up. But I did try and I just thought it was a bowling trip not a full on prom style event. I want to stand on a chair and tell them that Belle cant wear pretty party shoes or wear strappy dresses because of her size and indeed skinny frame. I resist the urge. My heart races pretty fast and its starts to ache. And through the door I can see her having fun and Im happy for her. But its hard. Do I make sense?
As I was hanging around in the gloom, one momma tapped me on the shoulder and praises belle about her part in the school play. That filled me up. It was nice and unexpected. Then she asks about Belle's report and was it good. I said it was. It didn't make sense in some parts but it was good. The momma said the same thing. There was obvious signs of cutting and pasting in the typed report as her son Tom was described as Christopher in parts. Thats funny, I thought. Belle's teacher had her constantly changing from She to he in various parts of the report. Its obvious her report wasn't just solely about belle. It hurt. I thought about complaining about it but whats anyone going to do with end of term tomorrow and really, will my voice be heard? I appreciate that the teachers have 30+ reports to do but all I ask in return is that belle be treated with a little honesty. I send her to school - clean, hair brushed, teeth cleaned and on time every day. I think its only fair that for her effort that she is rewarded with a report to reflect her and not the cut and paste of someone elses report. The other momma went round asking other momma's about this but I just went home to bed and sobbed and wondered how to mend a broken heart in 4 hours until it was time to pick her up at 9pm. I wasnt going to let Ellie see me like this and Im not going to spoil her last few days at school. Im not even going to talk about this with her as its her special week. Its all about her, it always is. So Im sharing with you and journalling this so that one day in the future I can hopefully thank my lucky stars Im not like this everyday!
Its just that Mommas need to let off steam, especially mommas of a child who is ultra special.
Im not sorry for venting this.
I had to do it.
It feels good to get it all typed down.
But for one lousy week in my life my defences are down and Ive given up fighting.
Normal service will resume tomorrow evening when we can put her primary days behind us and pray that secondary school and a new lease of genetics and medical intervention will be a shiny chapter that we can look forward to.
To cheer myself up, Im putting this picture here, kind of to break the ice and thank the lord that I can do a job that makes my heart sing. Tom wasnt, erm, very happy here!
Isnt he a cherub?