Im absolutely cacking my pantaloons. I truly am. I took a trip to the Dental Phobia Hospital in Liverpool today - ON MY OWN! Sarah was supposed to be coming with me but I had a high panic drama prior to picking her up (yep, thats me).
Please sit down - its a long story.
I was just about to go out to the car when I realised the bin men had put my bin across the drive. So, I put the door on the latch and set my keys on the radiator. I moved the bin and came back in. Went to grab my keys and accidentally knocked them down the back. Our radiator in the hallway is so close up against the wall, its not true (remember smelly radiator incident from christmas time?) I couldnt fish them out for love nor money nor time. I tried a ruler, I tried a hammer but nothing would lift them out. Then I had to hack through my wardrobe to find a metal coathanger. I found one, untwisted it and used it as a hook top retrieve said keys. After 15 minutes I had them and a massive sweat on. Then I couldn't ring Sarah to let her know I was going to be late as her BT phone line is down and her mobile number is not on mine. The computer was off cos I was going to be out all day. SCREAM. So thats why I went on me tod, becuase picking Sarah up would have meant a 20 miler detour. I HATE LIFE.
I got to the hospital and I was quite composed. The dental nurse called out my name and I stood up too quick. I was swaying and beads of sweat appeared on my forehead. As I ventured nearer the consultation room I could smell the smells of dentistry. Plaque, spit, pink water gargle thingy and cleaning fluids. I turned the corner to the room and saw a dentist chair staring right at me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH. By now cold sweat was dripping from my fingers and this really nice dentist smiled me his bright white hollywood dazzle of a smile and said "I know what you are thinking. It says here that you would rather have a baby than have an injection in your mouth!". The dentist who had referred me had used my quote to try and convince these killers/murderers/ivory stealers that i was literally that scared. He got me to sit down and asked if I had brought anyone with me. I said no and he said "oh, we could have completed the treatment today as we have had 3 cancellations" (but he said it was rather expected becuase it is, afterall, a phobia clinic and lots of patients feign near death illnesses on the very same day they are required to have treatment!). Im so glad that I was dumb with those knobby keys and that Sarah didn't actually come with me. I let him inspect my mouth and he said I was doing good, some people dont even let them do that. I kid you not, Im not scared of inspections. Just injections in the mouth. I give blood, I take innoculations and vaccinations - hell, I even pick my scabs. But no injections in ones gob, thank you very much.
So there you go. Im weak and pathetic and have to go back in September for an extraction, two replacement fillings, a scale and polish. But you want me to tell you a little secret? It actually pays to be dentally phobic becuase I just found out that its all paid for by the NHS as its a training facility..
Its free to get your gob butchered if you are crap scared of dentists.
Hurrah. Now Im going to buy something rather special with the money I have saved. Like a coffin, a headstone and some rather nice lillies after he has hacked me to death.