Ladies Camera Club

6 Oct 2005

on the 12th blog of Kirsty - her life's still full of crap

God - Im in such a shite mood. I cannot shake the shitdom from my life. I cannot decide wether its anxiety/excitement/boredom - perhaps Im a paranoid schitzo and just not realise it. Yes I am. No I am not. SHUT UP!

Ive been reading loads of blogs recently and to be honest I do not know why I bother. I cannot come up with anything remotely interesting (erm, ok - I shopped in waitrose today for the first time ever in like 3 years and was most humbled to note that everyone on there wore barbour jackets and plus fours - still. The bread rolls looked divine but not at 99p a pop. I think Jesus would have held back on feeding the 5 thousand at those prices - I love that story by the way. I have trouble feeding ellie with 2 fish fingers let alone two fish) Anyway, I digress. Erm......I thought that noting the clothing of waitrose shoppers was slightly interesting.

Which reminds me - 5 years ago I had my first proper shop in Waitrose. I used to live in Wiltshire which is run amock with posh shopping shops like this and who is on a par with Budgens supermarket. Waitrose + Budgens = branded food we all know and love but with an added 50% price tag. The richest of rich people in Wiltshire have to shop there where their complimentry copy of Harpers and Queen is signed by the local millionaire as a reminder that they are indeed not rich but purely paupers who pretend to be rich. I used to pretend to be rich by donning my richest looking clothes (ok, a pair of black trousers from Asda (who knows?) and a white cotton blouse from next (up turned collars of course) and a fake burberry scarf - again - who knows unless the rich old munter behind me and sneaks a peek at the label reading "Market rip off - up yours munter".

Anyway - i digress (can you see a pattern forming - Im def a schitzo). Erm.... aaaah yes. Shopping in waitrose. I was looking in the cheese aisle and was pondering over a tub of Quark. As I was a 14 stone lardy wobbly blob at the time - on the Slimming world diet - I had been told that quaffing quark was a sin free and therefore eating 16 tubs was sure to slim me down. At the very same time as I was picking this tub of quark up another lady (in her babrour and plus fours) picked a tub up. I smiled at her and said "What exactly does this taste like?". Her face was of shock horror as she took in my enormity and triple chins. She scanned me up and down - yup, she had guessed I had asda trousers, tatty next blouse bursting at the bust where my fake burberry scarff was trying to conceal my hideous 40DD's from the richest of richest eyes. She looked at me - poker straight in the eye and said - in a monotone fashion "DON'T EXPECT IT TO TASTE CREAMY". Then she buggered off down the broom aisle to shove another one up are arse. I put the qaurk back and bought a pound of beef dripping to spread on 6 loaves of bread for my supper later that evening. Anyway....

Had a fabulous amount of orders since I have been away (top secwet mission - strictly a need-to-know policy of which none of you need to know. I think you demand to know but bummer anyway) Perhaps my 3 nanno seconds of fame on "This Morning" tv programme had them queing up to see my wares. As my advertising budget is like minus 3 million pounds I wonder where on earth these orders are coming from. Mebbes Mark and I will be able to have a nice cooked meal next month instead of beans on toast. I dont know - but at least it will keep me in business for another month. Mwahahahahahahahhaha. I hope - anyone want any flaming die cuts out there - they are nice you know!

Picked my Belle up from my sister in laws (she had had her for me whilst I was away). We had a very serious grown up chat about this and that and we both had a little weep as Im feeling blue and she is having a bit of trouble at keeping up with stuff at school. Its times like these I need to cherish forever. The chats and the hugs and the endearing moments of when she passes me kitchen roll to wipe my snot. Although its like wiping your nose on sandpaper how could you possibly not take up the offer of a child holding thier hearts out to you at your most bluest of blue days?


Jackie said...

Ok so Im not interesting on my blog but hey we cant all be journalists.

I reckon you blog is fab (and I aint no sycofant, hmm does that sentence mean I am, double negative and all that pavlova LOL) but I enjoy reading it, it makes me laugh.

well done on all your publications and your '15 nanno seconds' of fame on this morning.

So what I wanna know is whats the secwet?? come on tell, you know you wanna :)

Jak aka Goober Farklehump(see my blog for an explantion)

domestic goddess said...

oh kirsty babes, you do have me in stitches, yep i too ahve a waitrose, and I too used to shop in one , but no more, i am a sainsbury girl, but not this week, i went downtown tesco shopping DELIVERED!!!!
hey babes cant wiat to be totally inspired by your retreat#

cyber sis

Shell said...

You blog is fab, love your sense of humour and writing style! Keep up the good work!
Luv Shell-bean!

Dawn NE Scotlnd said...

I love your blog the waitrose bit was hilarious.
You are funny Kirsty